…and I thought I could escape it. Nope! Even in Nevada, douchebags come in the same shapes and sizes as they did in Texas.
So, I’m at this bar enjoying a cocktail while watching the t.v. and sloughing off the days responsibilities. A guy, with more cliché tattoos than brain cells and his hat on sideways (not a good look!), comes to stand uncomfortably close to me and stares at me until I can feel the heat of his mindless stare and forcing me to look. I look back at him, curious what sludge this guy is going to spill from his mouth, and he says to me the thing I hate the most! He tells me to “smile.” Really!!! This is the most asinine comment I have ever heard anyone say!
You may not understand right away why this bugs me so much so let me explain…
When I go into a bar I am not there to shine my glossy pearly whites to the entire crowd. I am not there to impress every guy who walks through the door. Plus, what in the hell is going on in this guys head that makes him think he just came up with an original come on?!? I don’t get a lot of guys approaching me, maybe 2 or 3 in a night, but this is not an original comment, dude! And it’s not even cute! This simple approach of guys is an instant giveaway. Whatever this guy is thinking, it doesn’t matter because I can already deduce from that comment that he is;
- unintelligent
- socially clueless
- obviously lacks any self-awareness
- NOT clever which makes him very un-funny and eventually, annoying
- NOT my type of person at all, so go away…
- A douchebag
What is it with these guys. My initial instinct is to die in laughter but that would be socially unacceptable of course, so what should I do?
I come up with something even more clever to say ( not very hard) which not only excuses me from the conversation and keeps the douchebag from communicating with me further, but it also allows the douchebag to become self-aware that he, in fact, is an ass-clown.
“Hey, thanks! I see now, that I did forget to smile. You are so helpful! Oh, but before I do, do you mind if I take a sip of my cocktail? It’s really hard to drink with no lips.”
This type of response will elicit a “bitch” from the douchebag, but don’t worry. This isn’t the type of guy that will ever affect how anyone else perceives you…everyone knows he is a douchebag. People are typically his friend only because of superficial reasons like he pays for drinks or is a source of amusement when he gets drunk. So don’t worry about anything that comes out of his mouth. It is usually wrong.
My technique serves many purposes and are indicative of my psychology background. I am only trying to help the douchebags out there! We cannot discriminate against them otherwise they will never get better, or worse, could form organizations!! Instead, we can all work together to show the douchebags in this country that we understand their ineptitude, we are compassionate for their lack of self-esteem and lack of identity.
Try this technique next time you are in your comfort zone and a strange guy walks up to you and says; “Hey, you look sad. Is it your boyfriend? Do you want to talk about it?”
In writing this post I had to get a clearer meaning on what douchabag really meant. I wrote this whole article with a theme in mind but am I using it in the correct way?
Then, I invested a little time in researching the meaning of other favorite words like tool, asshat and its derivative asshattery, assclown, and toolshed. Thanks to urban dictionary, I think I have a better understanding of what I really am calling people.
A douchebag is a person who has an over-inflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a low-level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. “Your boss is a real douchebag!”
Now a tool, used almost synonymously with douchebag, is actually quite different. A tool is a person who, like douchebag, has no idea they are a tool, they try too hard resulting in being dubbed a poser, and gets used by others. What separates these two adjectives is that a tool never fits in and displays his toolism to the entire room. “Let’s go to that bar with all the tools, the music sucks but they get us free drinks and I’m broke.”
Asshat. This little gem doesn’t get used enough! Some of my favorite definitions are;
- One who has their head up their ass. Thus wearing their ass as a hat.
- A person, of either gender, whose behavior displays such ignorance/obnoxiousness that you would like to make them wear their own ass as a hat.
- a unit vector in the ass direction.
“Hey asshat, thanks for double parking.”
And asshattery. Asshattery is a verb and is used to describe the acts of one or more asshats. “I demand that all of you stop this asshattery at once!”
Assclown. one, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear. “Chris Brown is an ass-clown.”
Toolshed. This is a new one for me but I discovered it while perusing the internets: Toolshed is a giant douchebag, that uses money to make himself look cool. Mainly, however, it is a kid who tries to be something he is not. “Let’s leave this place, it’s a damn toolshed in here!”
yesfairy
